Nu stiu daca a mai fost, dar merita citit pana la capat…
What if Data was Windows 95 compatible?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of
horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
sufficient video memory to display an image of
this size. May I suggest that you select a lower
resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears,
with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects
appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the
aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the
Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside
him, turns it over, and places it on the console
in front of him. He punches some buttons on the
console and sits motionless for several seconds. A
flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan
ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I
must ask you to wait until I have finished before
you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
*important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting tocomplete your last instruction. I
must ask you to wait until I have finished before
you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and
returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows.
Pull my left ear to close this communications
channel which is not responding. You will lose any
information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data’s left ear.]
PICARD: Shields…
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge
shakes violently, and all the crew members are
thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm,
throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He
appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on
his console, and punches some more buttons. He
waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back
on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons
console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the
proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup
implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought
you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored
in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
#1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don’t *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several
buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the
Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the
viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is
heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you
doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service
number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call
them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was
able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t
knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She
specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen
goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans,
motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is
standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What’s going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant
Data has caused a General Protection Violation in
the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you
can’t really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears,
and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize
on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi,
appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest
you in a Macintosh, Captain?
